Grieving

 It's so hard to write about my feelings on Mom's passing.  I need to get it out of me and express my thoughts.

I went and spent 5 days with Dad, down in Utah.  Just a couple of days before I got there, Mom's headstone was installed.  It was a couple of months early.  Jana and I were able to see it for the first time together.  It's so beautiful, just what Mom would of loved.  I was touched by all the kids names on the back of the stone.  

 More than ever, I am realizing how precious those pictures are that we take.  

 Mom belonged to a Organization called DUP.  Daughters of Utah Pioneers.  This shows that Mom was part of that group.  We all joked that she is papered.

 While I was staying with Dad we took a selfie.  

 Matt came down for my last couple of days there.  He and I picked out some flowers for Mom's grave.

As we were leaving I turned around and saw this.  I'm so glad that I caught this moment.  A respectful moment of a Son, who is grieving for his Mother.

This trip made me realize so many things, most of all how everyone deals with grief differently. 

Dad is silently, slowly getting through it.  His eyes have changed.  They're sad.  He's comforted by the belief that he will be reunited with her after he dies.  That they will live on and spend eternity with family and each other.

I'm sure each one of my siblings are dealing with it differently.  I don't believe in life after death.  I don't believe in a god.  More than anything, I hated the fact that my Mother is buried there.  

My Mother is dead.  Everyone is going to die.  That's just how it is.  I'm sad and some times it hurts so bad.

I don't need that belief of life after death to deal with grief.  I have my memories of my Mother.  For right now, I have a bin full of her sewing material that smells like her.  I have the talents that she helped me build.  My stubbornness is exampled after my Mother.

I am so thankful I had her as my Mom.

I just needed to put these last two pictures in that I came across a couple of months ago.  They are from couple of years ago.

 My Mother, carrying some dead bugs to show the grand kids.